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Central Avenue

Back streets of Liverpool

Upper Duke Street

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Monster Munch

Universal

Monster Munch Screenplay

MONSTER MUNCH

by

Louise Eaton

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM. DAY

LOUI, an eighteen year old girl, messy blonde hair, a wannabe hipster, obviously not one, is lying fast asleep in bed. The alarm next to the bed goes off. She awakes and instantly puts on 90s style headphones. Music begins to play. She gets out of bed and does her morning routine of getting ready, whilst singing along to her music.

On screen will appear titles of cast and crew along with animated drawings.

The music stops abruptly as MAMA GERALDINE, a forty something year old housewife and mother, jumps onto screen.

                                                                                                                                                                     BLACK OUT:

INT.MARGARET’S HOUSE. DAY

A phone rings for four dials and hand appears to pick it up. The hand belongs to MARGARET, LOUI’s companion and partner in crime. She is very tall, long black hair, wearing a jersey; she is the complete opposite to LOUI.

MARGARET

Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing. This is Meg

                                                                                                                                                                      CROSSCUT:

LOUI

(slightly petrified)

Compadre there is a zombie apocolypse

                                                                                                                                                                      CROSSCUT:

MARGARET

(calmy)

Yeah I know didn’t you see my snapchat story last night. It was on fleek.

                                                                                                                                                  QUICK CUT:

EXT. STREET. DAY

Desserted street, MARGARET is holding her phone in a selfie position, running whilst a zombie trails behind her.

MARGARET

Run Forrest run

                                                                                             QUICK CUT:

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

LOUI

Crumcakes, this is not good amigo. Mama Geraldine looks like a rabid dog.

MARGARET

Oh, no not Mama Geraldine, Our saving grace. We need to save her.

LOUI

Preach it. Secret hideout ten mins.

MARGARET

See you later alligator

LOUI

In a while Crocodile

INT. MARGARET’S LIVING ROOM. DAY

MARGARET is pacing around the living room, obviously effected by the horrific news of the beloved Mama Geraldine. The TV is on in the background. Enters LOUI, out of breath looking deranged.

LOUI

Not to alarm you but I think, unless my eyes are deceiving me, there appears to be a flesh-eating zombie in your garden.

MARGARET

I apologise on behalf of Norman, he’s not used to company. What of our beloved Mama Geraldine?

LOUI

I’m no expect MARGARET but she’s a zombie alright, nearly bit my head off whilst I was jamming to Madonna’s like a virgin. People nowadays just don’t appreciate good music.

MARGARET

Indeed they don’t…

LOUI

Right Margaret a plan, we need a plan. So lets put our thinking hats on

They literally pull out caps from nowhere and place them on their heads.

Margaret

I’ve got it

step one find the antidote

LOUI

And what would that be

A voice from the tv gradually gets louder

NEWS REPORTER

Breaking news there appears to only be a limited supply of pickled onion monster munch. If you dare risk your life, risk if for these beautiful crisps. (voice trails off).

MARGARET

Out of all the foods in the world surely you wouldn’t risk your life for that.

LOUI looks at the camera and shakes her head.

LOUI

That’s the antidote you silly sausage

MARGARET

Oh I get it now

LOUI

Back to the plan what’s step 2

MARGARET

Step two kill zombies

LOUI

Obviously

MARGARET

Step three add as many zombie movie clichés in as possible

MARGARET and LOUI both look at the screen smile and give a thumbs up. LOUI begins to walk out the door.

LOUI

You cant just walk out in the middle of daylight with no protection.

MARGARET

Why not?

LOUI

Cause you are the sausage to their roll, the pork to their chicken pork pie, the Yorkshire puds to their Sunday roast. you wont survive.

MARGARET

What d’ya suppose we do?

LOUI

I know a guy (looks at camera)

EXT. ABANDONED STREET. DAY

The song THE SAFETY DANCE by MEN WITHOUT HATS plays whilst the character of MIGUEL, a guy with a tash, dressed like a gay dancer instructor, swaggly walks down the street making a few shapes to the tune. He is holding an old fashioned CD player or Boombox. He walks up to LOUI’s door.

INT. LOUI’s HOUSE. DAY

A doorbell rings. LOUI answers. Stood there is MIGUEL. He looks ready to party… as always.

MIGUEL

(With a foreign accent possibly Spanish)

alright there laaaa, lets get on it like a car bonnet

QUICK CUT

Both LOUI and MARGARET are sat down on the couch in the living room whilst MIGUEL is stood up next to a whiteboard and other appliances to help him teach.

MARGARET

Wow whiteboard, very prepared, I trust him already.

MIGUEL

Okkaaay senoritas, for this first hour I’ll just go over the basics

LOUI

Yeah, mate we haven’t got an hour really. kind of got a zombie as a mum chained up in the shed so yeah five mins on basics would be delightful.

MIGUEL

Okay you savage chica, 20 mins it is.

(using the whiteboard)

Okay so no no’s. no you may not urinate on the zombies that fuels their need for human insides.

MARGARET and LOUI look at each other, then at the camera.

MIGUEL

That also goes for the numero dos okay. No you may not feed them a cheeky nandos, its just a waste of good chicken, am I right.

Do not think they will enjoy a good chick flick, shes the man is not their cup of tea so save it for a quiet night, netflix and chill (wink wink).

(serious, quite sinister)

You must definitely not believe these zombies are your friends in an instant they will sink their teeth into your skull, suck all the brain food out and digest your internal organs until all that’s left is your toenails. Is that what you really want to leave here on planet earth.

MARGARET and LOUI are flabbergasted, speechless and generally quite frightened.

MIGUEL

(Cheerful)

Okay then muchachas who wants to play.

MARGARET and LOUI get suited up in special zombie fighting attire. LOUI puts on superdad socks, vans shoes, Liverpool fc shorts, a netball t-shirt and a Snapback. (Costume may vary) MARGARET has Lara Croft style pants on and a Burberry Scarf and more to be confirmed.

Once dressed they stand in front of MIGUEL, looking like badasses. 

MIGUEL

So this is a fist you use it to punch

Shows MARAGRET and LOUI practising punches on each other.

MIGUEL

This is a leg, used to kick people with

MARGARET and LOUI practice kicking each other

MIGUEL

These are teeth , used to bite people with

MARGARET and LOUI look at each other.

LOUI

That’s too kinky for my liking

MIGUEL

This is a grenade, used to

MARGARET

(Cuts him off)

Okay Miguel whats next

Montage sequence begins cross cutting between the training room and actually fighting zombies on a field.

The montage ends with the girls standing in a field surrounded by dead zombies.

LOUI

Call me a builder, cause I just nailed it!

They high five and roadman pose.

Cuts back to the living room where MARGARET and LOUI are out of breathe, dying on the floor from exhaustion.

MIGUEL

Okay beetches, I’ve taught you everything I know in a thirty second montage, you’re welcome and I tell you’re friends if they’re not dead already

MIGUEL walks out of the room. After a moment his head pops round the corner.

MIGUEL

Oh silly me almost forgot, a minor detail that could possibly save your life. Haha opps

MARGARET

Anytime soon would be nice

MIGUEL

Well there’s this move, very tricky indeed, that could eliminate every zombie within a one-mile radius.

LOUI

Well what is it

MIGUEL

But the effects oh they are so deadly its unsafe for the human brain. That’s why you can only use it once in your whole entire lifetime. So use it well

LOUI

Yeah mate you still haven’t told us what it is.

MIGUEL whips out a CD from nowhere and hands it to MARGARET.

MARGARET

What is it?

MIGUEL

(Whispers)

The Macarena

MAGARET

Mac did what now

LOUI

Yeah sorry didn’t quite get that

Draws them in closer towards him

MIGUEL

The Macarena

MARGARET and LOUI both gasp in horror.

MARGARET

Holy moley

LOUI

Sugar muffins

MIGUEL

I know, I know. It’s such a soul-destroying song.

Well this is the end… hold your breath and count to ten… feel the earth move and then…

MARGARET and LOUI

Okay bye bye. Adios amigo

They watch him exit the house as he continues to sing SKYFALL. He finally gets to the road. SPLAT he is ran over by a scooter. It is definitely the end for MIGUEL.

MARGARET

So sad

LOUI

There, there

MARGARET

Lets go kill some zombies

They gather up all the supplies that they need to kill multiple zombies and place them in a small backpack. They both stand over the backpack about to place the last item, The Macarena CD. They look at each other.

MARGARET

So buddy… here we go, out into the real world. A world with zombies.

LOUI

Shall we? One last time

MARGARET

That would be nice

MARGARET takes out her phone and they both roadman pose it. Then they exit the house and begin to walk down the road. LOUI jumps out of her skin and screams

LOUI

I startle easily

EXT. TESCO CAR PARK. NIGHT

Tesco car park at night. It is abdandoned with only a few cars parked.In the horizon (or the middle of the car park) a glimmer of light shines showing the last crisp packet of the pickled onion monster munch.

MARGARET

Well that was easy

Suddenly zombies appear from every direction. LOUI looks at the camera and shakes her head. They start to panic. MARGARET starts to pick weapons out the bag,

LOUI

Dude we can’t fight them off there’s too many.

MARGARET

What do you suppose we do?

LOUI

Lets pretend to be zombies. (Covers her mouth and whispers) Shaun of the Dead reference

They do their best at zombie impressions but theyre really bad. Zombies surround them.

MARGARET

Albert Einstein of our generation, truly!

LOUI

We are gonna have to whip out the big guns

MARGARET

Oh no

LOUI

Oh yeah, unleash the beast

LOUI takes the CD player out of the bag and places the Macarena CD in it. She presses play and covers her ears. Instead of the Macarena playing other dance songs are playing. The zombies begin to dance. MARGARET and LOUI are confused at what they are witnessing. Before they know it they are engaged in a high intensity dance battle against the zombies. LOUI uses the dance battle as a distraction whilst MARGARET tries to find the song. Unexpectedly the Macarena turns on. It whips out all the zombies and MARGARET and LOUI are on the floor. MARGARET is the first to arise.

MARGARET

(Helps LOUI up)

I’ve got your back Jack

They slow motion run over to the packet on the floor. They pick it up and raise it into the air, as if it is the holy bread and they are the priests.

LOUI

This is what dreams are made off

MARGARET

Come on lets save our beloved Mama Geraldine

INT. LOUI’s SHED. DAY

MAMA GERALDINE is lying on the shed floor chained to a bicycle. MARGARET and LOUI enter; MAMA Geraldine becomes very agitated when she sees them. LOUI is holding the last packet of pickled onion monster munch.

LOUI

Through your goodness we have this monster munch to offer, it will become for us the monster munch of life. Blessed be God forever. Amen

MARGARET

(does the sign of the cross)

Amen.

LOUI feeds the monster munch to MAMA GERALDINE. They wait for what feels like a lifetime. It doesn’t work.

LOUI

Mama Geraldine, noooooooooo

MARGARET

Such a shame

LOUI

I cant live without her buddy

MARGARET

Me neither buddy

LOUI

Shall we?

MARGARET

It’s the only way.

They BOTH look at the packet of crisps

LOUI

If we cant beat them, we might as well join them

They BOTH get teary eyed. MY HEART WILL GO ON starts playing.

MARGARET

Together

LOUI

Together

MARGARET

My sun and stars

LOUI

Moon of my life (at camera) game of thrones reference

MARGARET

You are my Ant to my Dec

LOUI

The water to my toilet

MARGARET

The Jack to my Rose

They get into the titanic position.

LOUI

Never let go

MARGARET

(to camera)

Titanic reference

They BOTH take the monster munch at the same time and almost immediately drop to the floor. MAMA GERALDINE doesn’t have a clue what has just happened because she is a zombie.

MARGARET and LOUI arise as zombies.

THE END.